From Bitterness to Beauty

            I am 26 years old. A few months ago this fact bothered me tremendously. It all started with the idea of singleness being this “gift” of sorts.  My roommate Melissa and I have this joke about people having “the gift” and how you cannot judge them for being single. Take for example Mike Rowe. He’s an attractive, older gentleman who is not married.  It’s easy to say, “There must be something wrong with Mike, he’s not married!” This was my mindset before the idea of  “the gift.” However, when I turned 26 I began to think a little more closely about “the gift.”

            I can’t say I ever imagined myself living in Seattle, working as a nanny, and single at 26.  It never crossed my mind and is not something that, at 16, would’ve sounded ideal to me.  It was never my plan and it led me to doubt God and myself.  I began to wonder what I was doing wrong.  Friends were getting married, having babies, embarking on careers—all good things that I desired, yet at 26 I saw them slipping further away.  Enter bitterness, stage left. 

            It crept in slowly—through Facebook, conversations with married and single people, even with my job.  Little things that would remind me of what I wanted and felt like I was missing.  (This is just a little side note, a fun fact if you will. When talking to a married person if the conversation turns to the topic of singleness, 10 out of 10 times they will say something to the effect of “Enjoy being single, you have nothing holding you back” or “I wish I still had the freedom of being single.” I don’t think they mean this but I also think they don’t know what to say and this becomes the phrase that we hear so often.)  At the end of the day it all felt like a waiting game.  I’m waiting until [insert phrase here.]  I mean married people didn’t even know what to say to me, so what was I to do but keep feeding that bitter feeling.

            Bitterness is not a pretty thing.  It is ugly and brings to light ugly emotions and thoughts that I have.  I began to look down on those who had what I wanted and would do anything to find fault with them.  My relationship with the Lord suffered because I carried my bitterness close to me.  I justified my thinking by saying these are good things that I want, why do I have to wait? It wasn’t that I desired evil or bad things, they were good but my way of pursuit was wrong.  I had allowed these “good” things to become my idols and two words were jumping out at me; want and deserved.  My perfect plan had absorbed my heart and imagination more than God and had become more important to me.  This realization hit me like a ton of bricks and left feeling about an inch tall.  I didn’t even know where to go from there, so I went to the only place I could, to the Lord.  And He taught me a lot about confession.  Many times I did not have the words to say so Hebrews 7:25 was a comfort to me, “Therefore He is always able to save those who come to God through Him, since He always lives to intercede for them.”  Jesus intercedes for me! What comfort when I had no words.  Bitterness doesn’t just go away so easily though.  It was a struggle to free my mind and let go of my hurt and disappointment.  Tim Keller said something that really stuck with me, he said “Repentance without rejoicing leads to despair.” It is important to acknowledge my failings and bring them before the Lord but at the same time to remember what He has done and rejoice in forgiveness.  It’s the gospel in a nutshell.

            This is where my story moves from bitterness to beauty.  When I am reminded of what Christ did the focus is off of me and on Him, where it belongs.  It’s not easy and there are daily struggles but through my journey I have gotten a clearer picture of the gospel.  And that is beautiful.  I am now in the process of writing Mike Rowe an apology letter for doubting his “gift.”